Uncomfortable Things I Had to Do to Marry Well (Being Updated)

I had to go through the worst relationship and breakup of my life to realise the cost of continuing choosing the same type of dynamic. Men who were emotionally unavailable and avoidant, who didn't see me, didn't make me feel safe, didn't treat me with care, didn't show genuine curiosity about me as a person, who raised my anxiety, made me question myself. I learned to trust my feelings and judgments the first time and be ruthless about it.

I had to cut all undefined interactions with men and quit dating for a while. I had to be truly alone, which shocked my anxious attachment system. This was to reset my nervous system and avoid dating for dopamine or escapism. I had to fill my life up on my own and show myself consistently what good, stable love really felt like.

I had to accept I might be single forever and feel genuinely ok about it. If you can't walk away and have a life you love without a partner, you cannot effectively set boundaries and standards. Boundaries and standards only work if you can enforce consequences.

I had to face my own internalised misogyny and misconceptions of love. I had to go to therapy and recognise a man's value should be assessed in relation to me (ie just because a man is successful and attractive doesn't mean he is worthy of my investment - it has to be about the value he actively ADDS to my life) and most importantly, I did not need men's approval.

I had to learn to centre myself and my needs and step into the role of the chooser. A date isn't my audition. A date is me observing, assessing a potential match who can meet me where I am and build a life I want with me on my timeline. I had to realise that expressions of interests and consistent investments are two separate things. I had to see people for who they were and make decisions accordingly, not what I wanted to see.

I had to admit to myself that I wanted love and a serious romantic partner and that my anxious attachment style was part of the deal. While I was in therapy working on it, I could not pretend it did not exist. I had to incorporate my anxious attachment needs into my non-negotiables. It meant I unapologetically looked for a man who wanted closeness and was communicative and consistent. I did not make excuses for bad or lack of communication - I observed and decided accordingly whether to invest or not.

I had to overwrite the "cool girl" programming and stop justifying myself and my dating standards to anyone, especially men who could not meet them. I had to stop making lack of interest and intention about my self worth. I presented myself as well as I could to reflect self respect and where I am in life, but a man's perception of my value and how he treats me is on him. When it matches mine, we can proceed. If not I simply move along. I believed what he showed me the first time. I did not waste time arguing, explaining, fixating.

I had to have conversations about serious topics early on such as life goals, intention to marry, and finances. I would not move in unless we were engaged or at least had a clear plan with a timeline for proposal and marriage. I also had to make sure for any evaluation I had of him, I could recall specific substantial examples to back it up and it had to be demonstrated over time instead of getting swept up by a one off grand (yet empty) gesture or any superficial factor.

I had to communicate my needs clearly once and then make an assessment based on what a man did, not seeing what he did or did not do then justifying his behaviour hoping he would change. If I had said clearly what I wanted and it was not met, repeating it would have only taught him that my standards were negotiable. This required me to be genuinely willing to walk away at any point.

I had to cut contact fully, ruthlessly when something ended and treat the ex as dead. No closure conversation needed, no friendship, no checking. I do not feel bad for these men. When I'm out, I'm out. I had to understand my attention and presence has value and I do not spend them mindlessly.

I had to recognise that being respected by a man matters more than being liked by him. I had been conditioned to soften, smooth over, laugh things off, because being liked felt safer and momentarily more rewarding than standing up for myself and calling him out. But the truth is, the more I cared about being liked by a man, the less he respected me. If I let small disrespects slide to keep the peace, I was teaching him that he could get away with it and he would with more. Disrespect that goes unchallenged does not stay small. It becomes bad treatment and resentment, and eventually abuse.

I had to recognise that 1) any urge to use "games" or act defensively (ie delaying text messages on purpose) came from a place of hurt and self protection, and 2) a man who is interested, intentional and emotionally healthy won't make me feel like I need to do it. I myself had to be ready to date and hold my frame, ie acting like how I would expect an interested, ready for marriage individual to act, and being stable and consistent at that. Then I could observe him and see whether he could meet me there. Men will self select themselves out quickly.

I had to stop trauma-dumping and oversharing or talking about myself negatively especially early on. It is my responsibility to put my best foot forward, protect myself, and communicate intentionally to connect, not to process one sided through another person. I had to avoid handing the map to my rawest places to a stranger who has not shown me if he could handle them or how he would handle them (ie he could use it to show me exactly what I wanted to see vs who he really is.) I had to understand when to share what, at which level of detail or depth, and for what purpose.

I had to stop asking "why did he do that" and start asking "what am I going to do about it". I would never know why and it wouldn't change what he already showed me about his interest and intention. I learned that I do not need to understand a man's psychology to make a decision about him. I only need to know how he behaves and how it makes me feel, and act accordingly.

I had to stop relying on men to do the right things for me. The reality is most people don't have your best interest in mind, they have theirs. If you let someone waste your time, they will do it. When a man strings you along or breadcrumbs you or confuses you in any way, the simple reality most of the times is he does it because he can. It's on you to say it is unacceptable and do the right things for you - cut your losses. And do it ruthlessly.

I had to take men seriously the first time they told me something about themselves that did not work for me. If a man tells you early on that he is "bad at texting," that he is "not really a relationship person right now," that he has commitment issues, he is offloading the guilt of knowing he is wasting your time, he is managing your expectations. He is telling you who he is so that, when he behaves this way later, you cannot say he didn't warn you. A man who is serious about you wants you to see him in the best light. He does not volunteer things that would make you walk away. So when he does, run.

I had to stop rewarding and engaging with low effort or unwanted behaviours. A text of any nature after 10pm got a reply the next day at a respectable hour, if at all. A long absence and a sudden reappearance got nothing. I did not waste energy explaining to a man why his behaviour was a problem, because explaining is labour and a reward - it tells him I am still engaged, still emotionally invested, still trying to fix something with him. I let my behaviour communicate everything I needed to communicate. The invested men adjusted, repaired appropriately. Others removed themselves, which was also the right outcome.

I had to be the one who set the pace of the relationship and avoid just going along with his. If I was not ready to have sex, I had to be an adult about it and avoid situations that could lead to it - late dates, alcohol, going back to his place. The point is not to have sex and then try not to get attached. Getting attached after sex is healthy. It is how the human body is designed. It is about making a conscious choice about who to get attached to. It's a matter of long term wellbeing especially with anxious attachment. That meant only letting it happen when I felt fully ready, with a man who had already shown me he was invested and bonded too, not just attracted. The right man will respect it.

I had to let go of the fantasy that a man will save me and trust that I know what's best for me and can make good decisions for myself. Instead of getting fixated on a man's job title, wealth, appearance, I had to lead with my strengths and core values and evaluate men by the same things. It sets the foundation to build a relationship with real substance and compatibility, where you can hold your own. Anything else (wealth, lifestyle etc) is the byproduct on top. You can disagree, set boundaries without fearing his reaction, and walk away without losing yourself. A relationship where you are relying on a man's mercy for your real security is not a partnership. It is a position.

I had to accept that if I was asking myself whether a man was interested in me, the answer was already no. An adult man who is interested in you does not let you wonder. He texts you, plans the next date before the current one ends, introduces you to his friends, brings you into his life. The whole question of "is he interested" only comes up when his behaviour is ambiguous, and ambiguous behaviour is the answer. There is nothing interesting or mysterious about hot and cold behaviours. It's simple - they are designed to stop the relationship from ever progressing passing all the cost and labour to you.