I asked my Instagram audience to submit questions, and I’ll answer them ruthlessly. In other words, it’s a What Would Ellen Do column! If you’re new to my writing and dating advice, you might want to check out my viral “Uncomfortable things I had to do to marry well” series.
Now, let’s get started.
Question: I recently met my new date on Hinge and everything was going well while I'm still observing and assessing, till 1 week ago when he had to go through the loss of kin, someone closest to him. From then on, his replies have been slower, and he communicated with me that his emotions are still messy and he has no words to describe them. He mentioned clearly to me that he needs time, and he appreciated me being there for him too. It's been a week since his grief.
How should I approach this matter? Should I continue to stay on with this new date, knowing that there is a bit of uncertainty at the moment while he's going through a deeper issue, e.g. loss of kin? Or should I just continue to meet new dates, since we are not officially together, while giving him space?
Ruthless answer:
It is disappointing and frustrating to experience slower communication and reduced availability, regardless of the reason. Your brain might understand it perfectly, but your body and feelings don't. They want more, and they're not getting more. And unfortunately, grief doesn't have a timeline. So, ruthlessly speaking, "a bit of uncertainty" is an understatement.
And what does staying with this new date even mean? You can't make him reply to you faster and be more available. Will this new connection realistically develop into something deeper? Will he be emotionally available and present for it? Or will it be you keeping yourself available and open, waiting for when he has the emotional capacity again?
Since the connection is so new, there isn't much of a relationship yet to carry the weight of something this heavy. You're still in the stage where you're supposed to be getting to know each other and building momentum. That requires a certain amount of availability and attention from both people.
He's told you clearly he needs time. He's honest about where he stands. It's up to you what to do with that information. In other circumstances, it would be easier to walk away, seeing the unavailability as a red flag. But in this case, he has a legitimate reason. That makes his behaviour understandable, but it doesn't make him any more available. And unavailability is still unavailability; whatever the reason, the reality for you right now is the same.
Worse, the grief also blurs everything. If he shows low effort, you can't separate it from the grief, and you can't really bring it up without feeling inconsiderate. You end up unable to tell whether you're seeing the early signs of incompatibility or simply someone going through a really hard time. It's difficult to make any fair assessment of him as a potential partner right now.
But enough about him.
What jumps out to me the most is that your statements are all about him. Even the thought about meeting new dates ended with how it would benefit him - you giving him space.
Be careful not to turn being understanding into shrinking your needs. You can have compassion for what he's going through and still acknowledge that his current level of availability isn't enough for you. If you repeatedly override what you need because there's a good reason someone can't give it to you, you'll eventually train yourself to shrink your needs to fit a relationship until you lose yourself completely.
Ask yourself: What does his slower communication and unavailability make you feel? What's your timeline for finding a relationship? If there was another great man pursuing you right now, would you still consider sticking around, or are you staying out of scarcity? Is the relationship right now, not when it was going well earlier, enough for you? What are you hoping will happen if you wait? Can you afford to keep waiting without knowing? If this happened to your best friend, what would you say to her?
You're asking me this question now because even a week of it is already giving you concerns. Sometimes we do it anyway, no matter what anyone says, until we're too hurt to go on. And that’s fine if you do. You’ll find out your limit that way.
But here's the ruthless verdict: Consider the romantic aspect on hold. Be kind and respectful to him, and check on him if you want. But don't wait around for him. You already have all the information you need, and your read is right: Yes, continue to live your life, including seeing other people. And take care of your own needs. If this ever resumes, let him be the one to come back and show you that he's ready and available. Then you can decide whether you still want it.
This is what I teach in depth in my coaching programme Insight to Action. A live 8-week program where you work out your needs and your patterns, learn to trust your own judgment and act on it in your real situations. Applications are open. Kick off 3rd Oct.
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