I asked my Instagram audience to submit questions, and I’ll answer them ruthlessly. In other words, it’s a What Would Ellen Do column! If you’re new to my writing and dating advice, you might want to check out my viral “Uncomfortable things I had to do to marry well” series.
Now, let’s get started.
Question 1: My boyfriend gives me the silent treatment every time there’s a conflict. We had a talk about it, and I told him I would give him a day of space max, but he overstepped that boundary. He went 4 days without talking to me because of a conflict. He tends to shut down. Should I just break up with him? What do I do?
Ruthless advice:
“Every time” tells me this is not the first time. I wouldn’t let it go past the first time because he has learned that he could get away with going silent, and nothing would really happen - he still has a relationship. That’s why it’s now 4 days, not one day.
If there have been multiple occurrences of this and they have gotten worse, there hasn’t been a real consequence. A boundary without a consequence isn't a boundary. It's a request that he clearly doesn’t respect. If it’s 4 days now, how long will it be next time?
Let me guess - he’s waiting for you to reach out, and you would have to do the emotional labour of engaging and getting the relationship back in operation. And next time, instead of solving the actual conflict, you would have to manage his reaction, bracing for the silent treatment again.
Does he have a job? Does he do this too at work when there’s a conflict? Blanking his boss and colleagues waiting for the conflict to go away? I bet he doesn’t, because that would get him fired. But it looks like at home, he thinks it’s ok.
So, 1) deep down, he is not scared of losing you. He’s testing your tolerance and self-respect, and how much you’ll absorb;
2) He lacks the emotional skills and maturity to be in an adult relationship. Without proper handling of conflict and repair, you can’t get closer, and your relationship can’t progress meaningfully.
Final ruthless verdict: If he is fine not talking to you for 4 days, make it permanent.
Question 2: My boyfriend brings up his ex fondly. They dated 4 years ago, but it really bothers me. I feel like his second choice, and I already told him it bothers me. They dated in their early 20s, and it sounds like they both messed things up, but it just sounds to me like he misses her. He’ll bring up how she was looking for him and calling him randomly a few years ago, and that they had something nice, but they can’t be together because she “cheated.” We’ve been dating for 6 months, and he still brings her up in that way. I thought it was only the beginning relationship ex talk, but it seems like he’s still into her. Should I just leave him?
Ruthless advice:
That line right there, “I feel like his second choice” is enough to call it quits.
At 6 months, he should be pulling all the stops to make you feel like the most important, impressive woman to him. Any emotionally healthy, available guy in his right mind would know not to talk about an ex - simply because that’s not interesting to him - let alone bringing her up fondly repeatedly.
You told him it bothered you, and he still does it, which means 1) he doesn’t care about what you think of it and how you feel,
2) He’s not over her and using you as a therapist to process it with.
3) He wants to advertise to you that he’s desired elsewhere to neg you.
Final ruthless verdict: Another case of not believing there’s a consequence. So serve him one: goodbye.
Next time, when something they do leaves you feeling off / bad / uneasy, regardless of the reason, clock it immediately. Identify the need underneath. Validate it. Communicate your boundary to them clearly once, observe, and show them the consequence.
Nobody is perfect, but it’s important how they respond to your boundary. If they can’t respect a basic boundary meant to keep the relationship functional and healthy, it’s not a relationship worth keeping.
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The full frameworks:
Date with Self-worth is a practical, no-nonsense guide for women who want to date and choose a life partner from a place of self-respect rather than fear, scarcity, or romantic fantasy.
This guide includes structured frameworks — 45 lessons across modules on self-worth, mindset, dating mechanics, communication, and moving on — to help women set real standards, vet partners properly, and walk away when needed. The tone is direct, analytical, and unsentimental. It treats dating as a serious life decision rather than something that just happens to you, and it does not flinch from naming the patriarchal conditioning, anxious attachment patterns, and cultural scripts that keep women settling for less than they deserve.