I asked my Instagram audience to submit questions, and I’ll answer them ruthlessly. In other words, it’s a What Would Ellen Do column! If you’re new to my writing and dating advice, you might want to check out my viral “Uncomfortable things I had to do to marry well” series.
Now, let’s get started.
Question: I’m 24 and recently dated a 29 year old man for four months who seemed very intentional about relationships. He talked about marriage, kids, and a future together, then suddenly became distant and ended things, saying I was amazing, deserved better, and that he wasn’t in a place to commit. Despite a stable job and just bought a house (logically he should be ready).
The confusing part is that this isn’t the first time. Both men I’ve dated have ended things with almost identical reasons and wording in the breakup text. They say it’s also not my fault, it’s a them issue.
How do I stop repeating this pattern?
I genuinely try to filter for this before dating. I look for consistency, follow-through, and men whose actions align with their words. Yet I keep ending up in situations where a man seems serious and future-focused at the start, only to pull away later and say he can’t commit, isn’t ready, or that I deserve better. Am I missing red flags, or is there simply no way to know until you’re already emotionally invested?
Ruthless advice:
When someone seems “serious and future-focused” at the start and then pulls away later, it means either 1) they can tell you want a serious relationship and they show you what you want to see until they don’t want to anymore, or 2) they are indeed ready for a serious relationship, and then after 4 months, they don’t see a future together.
4 months aren’t that long in the grand scheme of things and are a pretty typical timeline to realise whether there’s a future or not. Also, I wouldn’t say it’s a pattern about you yet, but more so a pattern around when men know and can be honest about their own intentions.
Even the breakup texts were almost identical. It’s when men say “I’m not looking for a relationship” but leave out “with you” and don’t want to look like the bad guy.
Now to answer your questions: yes, there are ways to find out before you’re emotionally invested. And to answer your questions ruthlessly: you don’t need 4 months. 2 months are enough to assess if you’re set on dating to get married.
You seem to be doing the vetting already: looking for consistency, follow-through, actions aligning with words, and dating men who are in a stable place in life. Now I don’t have enough information to know what this actually looks like in reality. And being in a stable place in life doesn’t always equal being emotionally available and ready for a relationship.
So if it was me, I might have it on my dating profile what I’m looking for in general, but I wouldn’t need to announce that I was looking for a serious relationship with him. If it ever came up, I’d say, when I meet someone, I’ll know, and then let him reveal his intention without any prompting while holding my relationship-minded frame: be respectful, responsive, communicative, receptive, and showing interest.
Month one, I’d observe his communication style, his date planning, the frequency of his invitations, his relationship with his family or his thoughts on marriage in general, and whether he shows an increase in investment. Pay attention to how thoughtful and personal he is towards you. Mirror his level of interest.
Month two, I'd start making him work. Take up space. Tell him something that actually matters to you, does he remember it later? When you make your needs known and have a small disagreement, does he repair, or disappear? That's the real test. Not what he says about relationships in the abstract. What he does when you have a need, especially an emotional one.
That’s how you’d know how emotionally available and invested he really is, not what he says about relationships in general. Then by the end of month 2, you’d be able to see where you are and whether you’re heading in the direction you want and make a decision. Trust your judgment. Ask yourself - would your future husband do this? Act like this? How would your future husband be at 2 months? He should be the one to wonder how he could nail you down.
At the same time, you should be talking and going on dates with other people while you’re not officially together to not put all your eggs in one basket and reduce your own emotional investment. You should still do all the things you’re doing when you’re single.
My ruthless verdict: Be stricter and more ruthless. Cut the timeline in half, make him show you instead of tell you, and walk at month two if he hasn't.
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This guide includes structured frameworks — 45 lessons across modules on self-worth, mindset, dating mechanics, communication, and moving on — to help women set real standards, vet partners properly, and walk away when needed. The tone is direct, analytical, and unsentimental. It treats dating as a serious life decision rather than something that just happens to you, and it does not flinch from naming the patriarchal conditioning, anxious attachment patterns, and cultural scripts that keep women settling for less than they deserve.