Can You Date without Losing Yourself? FREE QUIZ

This quiz measures the seven things that decide whether you can hold your own while you're dating, and tells you which ones you've built and which you haven't, with suggestions on how to improve them.

21 statements. You get seven scores back, a total out of 42, and an explanation of what each one is with an exercise to build it.

This is noticing what you're doing while you're doing it, and being able to say what it is even when it isn't flattering.

It helps to be specific in your observations.

For example, "I always get anxious in relationships" isn't much use to you. But if you write down every time you felt anxious over a month, you might see it was always after you'd asked for something and were waiting to hear back. Then you have something you can work on.

Reading, therapy, years of reflecting, and getting feedback from others can help build this capability.

An exercise to build it. Keep a written record. It doesn't have to be daily or tidy. Write down what happened, what you did and what you were afraid of. Read it all back at the end of the month. Normally a pattern shows up that you couldn't see day by day.

This is putting down your version of something that happened and letting it take space and matter.

Writing it down (or saying it) in your own words is the claiming and validating yourself. Nobody else has to agree with it and nobody else had to be there. Your feelings and thoughts and experiences are valid and deserve space, regardless of what anyone says.

When you don't think your own version is enough, or you don't trust it, you wait for other people to confirm it, to validate it, only then you know you're not imagining it. It leaves what's true about your own life up to any other person while you're the one who goes through it first hand.

An exercise to build it. When something gets to you, write your version of it down before you tell anyone else. Don't argue the case, just say what happened and how it was for you. Then leave it there.

This is about how much outside agreement you need before you'll act on something you already think.

You already have an answer, but you don't trust it, so you ask a friend, and then a couple more. The asking might seem sensible, but in reality, it is seeking permission. This causes delay, hesitation, and self-doubt.

An exercise to build it. Decide small things on your own and don't mention them beforehand. What you're doing at the weekend. Whether you're going to the thing you already agreed to. Write down what you decided and what happened afterwards, and look at this list: you'll realise you're doing just fine without needing anyone to confirm your decision for you.

This is the voice in your head. What it says to you on an ordinary day and when something goes wrong.

You might pick it up from someone. A parent, a teacher, an older sister, whoever was around when you were small and getting things wrong. You'll catch it in specific moments. When you say a number out loud, your salary, your age, how long you've been trying to sort something out.

A harsh voice can feel like having standards because it gives you something to reach. But it creates a barrier and resistance for you. It knocks you down more than pushing you forward. What you need to work on or take action to move forward is now the place where you feel bad about yourself, so you put it off, and then there's something new to be harsh about.

Going the other way and only being nice to yourself doesn't fix it either. You feel better for a moment and nothing changes because everything is smoothed over or put away with no introspection.

An exercise to build it. Write down what you'd say to yourself like you would to a friend in the same situation.

This is whether your daily life and environment are set up to support what you want to happen, or whether it all depends on you wanting to do it in a moment.

It also reflects the belief that what you do affects how things turn out.

Change often gets treated as a willpower problem. Willpower is what you fall back on when the setup is not there. If the only thing holding up your plan is you deciding when tired after a long day, you set yourself up to fail, and then it'll lead to the false conclusion that you're lazy or not serious about it.

The women who look disciplined usually just have better systems. The class is booked and paid for. Somebody is waiting for them. Something outside of themselves forces them to it as the routine and habits are set up and supported.

An exercise to build it. Take one thing you keep failing to do and change a single condition around it this week. Pay for it in advance, arrange to do it with someone, or give it a fixed time in your calendar and treat it the way you'd treat work.

You might know what you need but saying it is another matter. You worry it will sound demanding, or that the person will pull away, so you hesitate or shrink yourself.

Underneath there's a fear that asking for something will make them want you less, and you'd rather keep the person on the terms you've already got than find out. So you stay easy to be around and you go without.

You might learn that early. Needs were inconvenient, or somebody else's came first, so you got good at reading what other people wanted and silence your own.

The longer something goes unsaid the bigger it gets, and when it does come out it's a far bigger conversation than the one you wanted to have. It also stops you from finding out how they would respond to you when you say it in the moment.

An exercise to build it. Say the small ones. The coffee is wrong. The day doesn't suit you. You'd rather not go somewhere.

This is whether you start something while you're still not fully sure about it.

Waiting usually comes from believing that the confidence arrives first and the action comes after. It happens the other way round. The confidence is what you've gained once you've done it. Even if you fail, you learn. You expose your blind spots, the unknown unknowns.

Waiting or not acting also feels safe, because nothing has gone wrong yet. But it's an illusion. Nothing has gone wrong because nothing has been tried. It's actually dangerous because you operate on assumptions.

An exercise to build it. Take the decision you've been sitting on and cut it down until there's a piece of it you can start this week.